As an elder member of the workforce (18 years now, holla back!), I'm in no position to disperse philosophy that will guide your career to the top. However, as a veteran of multiple happy hours, Christmas parties and random work functions, without EVER getting so drunk I have any embarrassing stories that can usurp my work dignity, I do feel in a position to pass on my wisdom. Please share this with the youngins'.
Rule 1: Beware of the "second bar"
All Happy Hours start somewhere. Meet at Eli's at 5:30. People partake in the 2-for-1 specials, chat, come-and-go. As the people with lives drift off to leave you and your hand-to-mouth friends alone, eventually someone will suggest to go to another location. DON'T DO IT! Once you walk into that second location, you've invited the vampire into the room. There are no rules or protocol in locale #2. East is West, North is South. You've made a mistake my friend.
Rule 2: Smoke'em if you got'tem
Look, even if you just casually smoke, as soon as you see a senior member of the organization sneak off for a smokey treat, follow them. That's where the Glengarry Gossip happens. The enterprise caste system does not apply here. You're both dirty smokers. CEOs and HR Directors alike will spill there guts to a fellow dirty bird as a way of bonding.
Rule 3: Wait for the card...wait...wait.
Even if it's not an official company-sponsored event, if there is a senior member around, eventually the company credit card will come out. Do not split early. You will be forced to spend your own hard earned money that could be going to Limp Bizkit tickets (they're still hip with the youngsters right?). Once you see the glow of acceptance on the face of the otherwise defeated individual, you can expect they'll soon throw the plastic on the table and tell the waitress to keep it open. That's your cue to order mozzarella sticks and buffalo wings like you're hanging with Snooki.
Rule 4: When the vibe turns, RUN!
There's a moment in every night of group drinking, regardless of age or work/personal setting, when the vibe turns creepy. Happy hours, weddings, time-share presentations, you name it. Normally passive individuals get this look in their eyes like they don't realize they're beer-bellied, Homer-hairlined creepsters and start scoping the room for trouble. If you're a lady, RUN! If you're said creepster, BAIL! Much like nothing good happens after midnight, nothing good happens after the vibe turns.
Please share your added rules.
